Stolen Joy

For anyone reading this, I need to be very clear on something: everything I talk about in this blog, I unfortunately have learnt through personal experience. This of course mean I make frequent mistakes and act like an idiot before being convicted by the Holy Spirit, pointing out the now, very obvious, hindsight, 20-20 vision of my flaws. The best thing is that I do get convicted and then take the opportunity to reflect, leading to the hardest bit, correcting the mistake or behavior and asking for forgiveness from people and God.

So then, thank you for taking the time to read about yet another flaw of mine...

THE FALSEHOOD OF JOY

I, like most, will tell you that I like nice things. I like to spoil myself as well as others, to the point where I have to be concerned about making it to payday (this is of course not very clever nor sustainable and should be avoided and I have started to change this behavior-thank God). I don't believe there is anything wrong with buying something nice for yourself or someone else, but the motive should be pure and God's resources should be effectively administered and used well. I feel a sense of joy when buying things, but it never lasts, never ever. What I have found is I seek the endorphins that's released to give me that feeling of joy. What is quite clear is that this is not by any means real joy, it is merely a feeling that masquerades as joy.

HONEY...I BOUGHT A MOTORCYCLE

I grew up on and around motorcycles, I washed them for pocket money, I built them with dad for him and also for me, rode them, enjoyed them and lost my best friend at the time to death on one of mine. Motorcycles are in my blood and for the last 8 years or so, I didn't have one. I made the decision to hang up the leather jacket when my wife fell pregnant with our first child to avoid unnecessary risk. Over the years I've lost my love for them and would consider myself fond of the idea of having one. This was enough of course to make me wander into a dealership and look at what was on offer in the year 2020. Sure enough, something I liked a lot. Now all that was standing between me and the bike was my conscious and being scared after not riding for years. I very soon overcame both of these hurdles and was in the dealership, signing some pre-agreement papers. The finance approval took some time due to Covid-19 and I basically prepared myself for a "sorry sir, you're not approved" for some reason then I got the call to let me know that the finance company had settled the purchase amount and I could come and get the bike. I was strangely enough not real happy, as I have since learned that what I'm after is joy and not mere happiness or pleasure.

Romans 14:17 [AMP]

"for the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking [what one likes], but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit."

TIME FOR DELIVERY

I asked the wife to drop me off at the dealership to pick the bike up. When it came to the riding gear I said I wanted with the bike purchase, things turned a bit sour. I signed for an amount and not individual items so when I asked the "parts guy" to price up the gear I wanted, it was less than the allotted price I initially signed for. I took a bit more items to make up the total value and when asked what I owed them, the amount was a lot different to what I had in my head. Turns out, they added the individual items after I signed the papers at a specific price and then I had to pay for all the gear not part of the bike purchase. This really upset me as I felt I was cheated and stood my ground until I was basically asked to take my stuff and leave. I'm sure that I could have handled the situation better and certainly my own behavior.

Proverbs 12:20 [AMP]

"Deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil, But counselors of peace have joy."

STOLEN JOY

For some time after this happened, I felt angry and disappointed in myself for "rolling over" so easily and mad at them for, what I felt like, was cheating. This completely overshadowed the whole experience and one what was meant to be joyous. Every so often I will find myself thinking about it and get upset, capture my thoughts and then re-direct them. Some days later, after this happened a number of times, I realized that those people were not losing a single second of their sleep for what happened and especially had no idea how I felt. I allowed the situation and my own thoughts to rule over me and ultimately steal my joy!

Proverbs 17:22 [AMP]

"A happy heart is good medicine and a joyful mind causes healing, But a broken spirit dries up the bones."

PRAYER

Dear Lord, our Father who is in heaven, we stand in awe of your goodness and kindness. Thank you Father for all the blessings we so freely receive from Your mighty hand. Father, so many times we rely on the world to fill our cups with joy, yet what the world offers is not joy, but only moments of short lived happiness and pleasure. Will You show us what true joy is and fill us with Your Spirit to be the lamp on our feet, to guide and direct us on the path You have for us. In Jesus' Name we pray. Amen!

Romans 15:13 [AMP]

"May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you will abound in hope and overflow with confidence in His promises." 

Doubt!

THE PAINFUL TRUTH

It is written that in this world we, as followers and lovers of Christ Jesus, will experience adversity, pain, suffering, grief, temptation, and probably more so than people who reject the Truth. I wish this was not true, but I assure you it is. Simple reason for this, in my opinion, is that someone who follows Jesus and tries to do what the Word demands, basically becomes a target for the enemy, the dark forces of the spiritual world. You are then the opposition to the evil one and all his cronies, will do what they can to rip you and your loved-ones to shreds.

EXAMPLE...UNFORTUNATELY ANOTHER ONE

The week preceding my newly "separated" wife's birthday, I had a really good week (for the most part) where I spent a fair bit of time in God's presence; reading, listening, watching, praying and sharing the good news. Come two days before her birthday and on the way to work, I hear a sermon from Dr. Michael Youssef on the seventh commandment: "You shall not commit adultery." convicted by my past sin, followed by a sermon from Derek Prince about God's blessings and curses as written in Deuteronomy 28. During the reading of  the curses, I experience an  intense feeling inside me, like I'm carrying a very heavy burden and I feel doubt and anger overcome me and I sneer at what I just listened to. Moments later after thinking about my situation and my past, I address God in prayer, with little reverence I'm sad to admit, questioning if He was actually good and if I ever had a chance at succeeding, I mean, how can one keep the Law in its entirety to escape the curses and receive His abundant blessings?!? That day, completely overcome with doubt, fear and anger, I found myself many times questioning God and even the presence of the Holy Spirit. I felt that I was set up for failure, abandoned by the one who is talked about: "He will not fail you or abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:6 [AMP]

I would read scripture to try and drown out this voice, this heavy presence inside me, but would laugh at the passage, followed by more questions. I continued to struggle that day, a lot, but I reminded myself of the Psalm of David 30:5b [AMP]

"Weeping may endure for a night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning."

"Try your best buddy, but go and rest, you will feel better in the morning." I didn't. In actual fact, I woke up angry with God and dismissed the rebuke and conviction I was feeling inside. I rebelled against God for that whole day and reached a very low and and dark place too...I actually prayed that I wanted to die and that God had to kill me. If I could not trust Him, the seemingly only One I had left, what is the point of even trying! I wept profusely as I was driving home, then I would grit my teeth and tell myself that I should shut-up, that I'm weak, useless, rejected and hated by everyone. I would cry out to God and then reject my own desperate cry for help. I made it home, packed an overnight bag and headed to my old home to spend time with the kids while the wife went out for the night after getting her hair done. Me and the kidlets prepared her birthday gifts, wrote her a couple of birthday cards, baked 24 delicious cupcakes, ready for the morning. We go to bed and around 12 pm I woke up with the wife coming home after her night out.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Early morning and the wife leaves to go and exercise and I woke up in that process. I feel mad at her for not letting me know that she was going out for a drink after her hair appointment. She comes back after her workout and I just lay in my room, browsing on my phone, waiting for the kids to wake up so that we can take her presents. She shows up, all happy and excited and I'm just like...here is your stuff, happy bday. FAIL!!! I make her breakfast in bed and then get myself ready and self-isolate myself in the theater room for much of the morning. I didn't want to be there, so I make arrangements to go and visit a friend, just to find out that I can't go, because the wife is going out again for cocktails. 

By now, the anger and resentment I feel towards my wife on top of the doubt and disappointment I feel towards God, is unraveling me and I'm ready to reject my faith all together! I could feel a battle going on inside me, one of intense ferocity. I find myself wanting to praise God, then I would reject the thought, on and on it went.

THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE

I woke up the next day, feeling frustrated as anything, but on went the TV to watch Dr. Michael Youssef and then Dr. David Jeremiah, it was Sunday after all and I do "Church" on Sunday mornings. Today I don't reject what I'm hearing, but I am numb to the teaching, I just feel nothing! The two sermons are finished and I plan to wash my car, take the kids for an outing and some hot chocolate. We spend time walking and them riding their scooters along a meandering river. It's nice being out and here, God starts to gently knock on my heart again and I respond by opening it, albeit just a bit.

I take the kids back, hang around for a bit, got fed some fried chicken (yum) and went to my shared house. I prepare for the next day and go to my room and grabbed Wreck my life by Mo Isom Aiken (get it on Amazon or www.moisom.com)

What an absolute Godsend book by a Woman of God!!! I start reading it and I can barely put it down. I read about her faith journey, struggles, an untimely death in the family and the moment she met the Holy Spirit of God and how her life was forever changed.

Check out this brief interview to give you an idea of what she's about!

In the book, she mentions that we must be certain that we will experience opposition and adversity in our walk with and for Jesus Christ, but rather than see it as an unwanted experience, to an opportunity to grow in our faith.

TODAY

Today I realized that the enemy was at work, a relentless pursuit to destroy me and my faith, with our marriage as collateral damage. Why would my wife consider our relationship if I'm angry, bitter, spiteful and resentful. The moment you rebel against God, you keep silent about Him and how GOOD He really is, your behavior becomes such that even if you turn back to God, "pagans" would not believe you or your faith. I also wanted to "check out" before I could see what God has in store for me, for us! Never thought I would say this, but I'm really glad that God does not always grant our prayers, because we are at most of times myopic and selfish. 

DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE ENEMIES' TACTICS!

Here are the tactics the enemy use against you and what keeps you from God's plan and purpose for your life (from Tiaan Gildenhuys, confirmed by an ex-satanic believer):

1. Lies - The voice you hear with all the negativity, believing it's your own thoughts. I never understood when it was said:'The greatest lie the devil ever told, was making the world believe he does not exist.",
2. Fear - The fear you experience, fear of loneliness, rejection, misfortune, future etc.
3. Aggression - The fear turns into anger as you try to cope, it is after all easier to be mad,
4. Unforgiveness - you can't forgive those that hurt and reject you or you can't forgive yourself,
5. Bitterness - not forgiving yourself or someone else, leads to bitterness and resentment and becomes proverbial cancer and if left unchecked leads to depression,
6. Rebellion - you shake your hands at your "enemies" and at God and rebel against them which also leads to more sin and more pain.

The enemy has now silenced you, the voice of the Holy Spirit inside you and the God-filled heart you have! You are no longer a threat and are unknowingly, but willingly helping the enemy destroy yourself and others!

Ephesians 6:12 [AMP]

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this [present] darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) places."

Proverbs 4:23 [AMP]

"Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life."

Prayer

Heavenly Father, today I near Your throne with reverence, with humility and with love. I stand before you, ashamed of questioning Your authority, Your goodness, Your kindness, Your faithfulness, Your love and Your sovereignty. In my weakness, I gave in to the doubt, believed the lies about You, Jesus and Your Spirit. Father forgive me, for I have sinned against You and have grieved You all. Father, wash me clean with the precious Blood of Jesus and wipe away my transgressions. Fill me with Your Spirit a new and bless me with His fruit. I have declared war on the enemy in the mighty Name of Jesus, Yeshua and they have retaliated and found me with my guard down. Protect me Yahweh, send forth the Arc Angel Michael to behead the enemy on my behalf. protect my family and my friends, all who are near and dear to me. Let Your power be known in the Spiritual realm as well as here on earth. I come now and testify against the accuser and all his unclean spirits. They have lied to me and have blasphemed Your Name Jehovah, they have come against Your child to wage war and to kill him. Let Your judgement be swift and the punishment deserving, behead them and throw them into the lake of fire, for You are the righteous Elohim, the Creator of all the Heavens and earth. I exalt Your name above all other names! I pray this in the Name of Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior, Amen! 

The perfect Love story!

LOVE

One could easily think that this should be a controversial subject for me, but to the contrary, I have in actual fact learnt a great deal of what love is and isn't through this season of my life. I, as many do, thought that I understood what love is, after all, I experienced that feeling before and when you have children, you get to experience love so more frequently. I'm happy to report that I was not entirely wrong in identifying the emotion of love, I did however miss the fundamentals of love and the biggest type of them all; AGAPE!

 4 Types of Love

STORGE, EROS and PHILIA Love according to the Apostle Paul in

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a [AMP]

"4. Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. 5. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. 6. It does not rejoice in injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. 7. Love bears all things [looking for best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening]. 8a. Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]."

Not sure about you, but just reading the scripture above, I can honestly confess here today that I fail at love more often than not! There is however some good news, once you understand the source of real, true, unconditional love, you will realize that the LOVE the Apostle Paul is referring to, is indeed possible to have and to achieve! 

LOVE?

If you are anything like me, you would have heard about God is Love and thought to yourself: "I just don't get it, what does that even mean and why don't I feel it?" I would suggest that many of us have never really experienced real love before and for us to understand it, we must understand the Creator's original design intent for humans, the very reason why we were created in the first place.

1 John 4:7 [AMP]

Beloved, let us [unselfishly] love and seek the best for one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves [others] is born of God and knows God [through personal experience]."

DESIGN INTENT

We were wonderfully and fearfully made in the image and likeness of God, for the purpose of an intimate relationship with Him. God made His dwelling place here on earth and spent time with Adam. God saw that it was not good for man to be alone and thus created for him, a helper, an equal partner and said that they must rule over all the earth and that they should be fruitful and multiply (that means to enjoy each other in the intimacy of sex and have children). Unfortunately man's weakness were exposed when they ate from the forbidden tree, being deceived by the devil.

I have to pause here for a moment to anyone blaming Eve for the fall of man only:

Yes, Eve was deceived by the devil and chose to eat the apple, but it was only after Adam ate from it, when they realized they were naked and only then God called them. Adam abdicated his responsibility and stood there watching the whole thing unfold and did nothing. Life would probably have looked a whole lot different if they had repented right there and then, instead they blamed each other. The story about Adam and Eve also shows that by the creation of a woman, man had replaced the love meant for God, by loving her more and choosing her over God.   

DESIGN INTENT CONTINUED

We were made by God to have a relationship with Him and nothing will ever fill that hole inside us until we do...

Ecclesiastes 3: 11 [AMP]

"He has made everything beautiful and appropriate in its time. He has also planted eternity [a sense of divine purpose] in the human heart [a mysterious longing which nothing under the sun can satisfy, except God] - yet man cannot find out (comprehend, grasp) what God has done (His overall plan) from the beginning to the end."

PERFECT LOVE

In our weakness as humans, we rejected God, from the very beginning and despite our best efforts to remove Him from our lives, He still formed the perfect plan to reconcile us with Him. 

Romans 5:8 [AMP]

"But God clearly shows and proves His own love for us, by the fact that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

John 15:13 [AMP]

"No one has greater love [nor stronger commitment] than to lay down his own life for his friends."

John 3:16 [AMP]

"For God so [greatly] loved and dearly prized the world, that He [even] gave His [One and] only begotten Son, so that whoever believes and trusts in Him [as Savior] shall not perish, but have eternal life."

1 John 4:8-10 [AMP]

"8. The one who does not love has not become acquainted with God [does not and never did know Him], for God is love. [He is the originator of love, and it is an enduring attribute of His nature.] 9. By this the love of God was displayed in us, in that God has sent His [One and] only begotten Son [the One who is truly unique, the only One of His kind] into the world so that we might live through Him. 10. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation [that is, the atoning sacrifice, and the satisfying offering] for our sins [fulfilling God's requirement for justice against sin and placating His wrath]." 

WHY CALL IT THE PERFECT LOVE STORY?

Imagine a "Being" so powerful, that He spoke the world into creation (just imagine with me, even if you don't believe in God yet) to take on human form, the very creation He made for His own glory, to live in a fallen world full of sin, to experience what it is like being human, to live the perfect sinless life, to be rejected by the very people chosen by God, to be nailed to a wooden cross on Calvary bearing the sins of the world to die a sinners death and to raise from death on the third day, so that whosoever believe in Him, may be reconciled to God and be guaranteed eternal life! 

PRAYER

Our loving Father in heaven, we exalt Your Name. We pray that Your Kingdom will come and that Your perfect will be done here on earth as it is in heaven. Father, we come to you as sinners today, scarred by our transgressions, filled with fear, shame and guilt. We come to you Father, because we want to reconcile with You. We want to be made free and blameless just as You intended for us to be. We come before you and ask for forgiveness of all our wrong doings, to be washed clean by the precious blood of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. We ask that Jesus will come into our lives, to be filled with the Holy Spirit and to experience your immeasurable love. Help us to love like You do, break our hearts for what break Yours and bind us to thee. Give us eyes to see like You see and ears to hear like You, so that we may hear the cries of others. Give us the strength and the courage to stand up for You and for what is fair and just in Your eyes. I ask that You will fight our battles for us today and that no weapon formed against us shall prosper and that every tongue that rises against us shall be cast down in Jesus' mighty name. Bring down Your hammer on the ungodly and unrighteousness and the devils dominion. We break every chain with the demonic world and we tear down any altar that we may have erected, knowing or unknowing. We declare Your favor, blessings and protection over us, our families and friends. We fully submit to You dear Father and ask that we may have the ability to love You as You love us. We plead the precious Blood of Jesus over us and ask everything in Jesus' Name. Amen and Aman!

  Aaron's Benediction: "The Lord bless you, and keep you [protect you, sustain and guard you]; The Lord make His face shine upon you [with favor], And be be gracious to you [surrounding you with lovingkindness]; The Lord lift up His countenance (face) upon you [with divine approval], And give you peace [a tranquil heart and life]."  Numbers 6: 24-26 [AMP]