Now first a bit about myself, I'm married to a beautiful wife and we have three lovely, and very energetic kids together. We are both professionals with each a bachelors degree and we do okay, I think.
Everything that I have, I put into jeopardy in 2018 by allowing myself to believe a lie. For many years I was plagued by the thought: what would it feel like to have a sexual encounter with a man? This was the year I cheated on my wife, twice. You see, this was the year when that question of mine was very prominent and when I chose to pursue the answer to it. It is very important to take note that I made a conscious decision to explore what was going on in my heart and my mind.
From about 19 years old, potentially earlier, I wondered about that question. I would go through phases where I would not have any thoughts around it, to times where I would be obsessed with it.
Note: Update 12 October 2020 - Holy Spirit made me have the following revelation: When you realize what you are doing is wrong and you turn from your ways for a moment (like sexual immorality or addiction) but you do not fill your life with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, the demons that can control you will return with vengeance as it is written in Luke 11:24 - 26 [AMP] ""24.When the unclean spirit comes out of a person, it roams through waterless places in search [of a place] of rest; and not finding any, it says, 'I will go back to my house (person) from which I came. 25.And when it comes, it finds the place swept and put in order. 26.Then it goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they go in [the person] and live there; and the last state of that person becomes worse than the first."" This is potentially why you can go from, as an example over time, a thought of sexual perversion (which opens the door for the unclean spirits, even if it's just cracked open) to being promiscuous or an adulterer.
I found it odd that I had zero physical or sexual attraction to a man, but the thought of actual sex made me excited. It wasn't until early 2020 that I started to understand why I was plagued by the thoughts of sexual immorality (for me it was a spirit of lust and perversion that entered my life when I was exposed to sexual perversion/molestation). Please take the time to listen to Dr. Michael Youssef around TEMPTATION as this is the best way to describe what happens to you and why you potentially just can't help thinking about it. You see, we are in a constant war between good and evil and how the enemy attacks, is by lying to you, causing fear or doubt. The more men that question their sexuality, the more relationships break down and the more you have families without men, or kids without fathers to help guide and discipline.
John 10:10 "The thief [read devil] comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I [read Jesus] came that they may have life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows]."
There is a very specific reason why the Bible talks about guarding your heart and renewing your mind constantly. What you spend your time thinking about, will ultimately influence your emotions and your actions and it will fill your heart.
Matt.15:18 "But whatever [word] comes out of the mouth comes from the heart, and this is what defiles and dishonors the man."
Now I can talk out of experience here, because although thoughts can be put into your head, I spent a lot of time thinking about sexual immorality and it basically consumed me to the point where my thoughts translated into my actions; pornography/nudity/lust (for me the source was social media and could be for you too) and self pleasure (i.e masturbation). Warning: Pornography and masturbation steals your confidence and devalues your masculinity, because it's so easy to do, that you no longer have the courage to have sex with your own wife. Or you have all these images of what your spouse should look like, that is driven by social media or pornography, that you don't find your spouse attractive any longer.
Today I can sit here and be honest with you, I'm glad that I experienced what I did, but not at all why you would think...let me explain: after my two sexual encounters, I swore that I would go to the grave with the knowledge of what I had done. This secret turned out to be like proverbial cancer and it caused my soul to slowly die and I became depressed which of course affected all my relationships, career and my health. Me, being oblivious as I am, couldn't quite understand why I was feeling this way, but I was soon going to find out. I started to ask the question about why I was feeling the way I was and self diagnosed that I was depressed. I was also determined that I would not go to a Doctor because I did not want to be on any medication, so I bought natural health supplements that promised to help with the symptoms - it didn't. The supplements just got rid of $500 from our bank account. Now I have developed some fear or anxiety, because maybe I really am so far down the rabbit hole...I am depressed and must then need medical intervention. I did not go to a doctor, nor did I stop asking the question of why I was feeling the way I did, thank God Almighty for that, because in my next post, I was going to find out why.
Do yourself a favour and get a copy of John Eldredge's book called Wild at Heart on Audible or Amazon which talks perfectly about your heart and masculinity or visit his website www.wildatheart.org
Prayer
Dear God, I come to you very confused and in desperate need of Your help and guidance. Somewhere and for some reason, my masculinity was questioned by me or by others and I am now seeking that validation. Please show me who I am in Your eyes, the true me, not the person satan would like me to think I am. Jesus died on the cross for my sins and I now ask for that gift of salvation to be mine. Forgive my sins, known or unknown, confessed or unconfessed. Fill me with the Holy Spirit to guide me through this process or rediscovery. I pray this in Jesus' Name. Amen
"What a generation compromise on, the next generation embraces and dies from." - Amy Klutinoty
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