Forgiveness

The burden of guilt can be very heavy, often times debilitating and the enemy "satan" will do everything in his power to constantly remind you of your wrongdoings. It is a very simple tactic really: the worse you feel about the things you have done, the less likely you are to praise God. Now it is very important to know that there is a way to become free from that burden, John says this in 1 John 5:16 "If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just [true to His own nature and promises], and will forgive our sins and cleanse us continually from all unrighteousness [our wrongdoing, everything not in conformity with His will and purpose]."

There is a caveat though: if you have accepted Jesus Christ as your savior by Him dying on the cross for your sins and that you believe that He was raised up from the dead on the third day and ascended into Heaven to sit on the right hand of the Almighty God, you can confess and repent of all the things you have done wrong and you will be forgiven. To continue to be forgiven, you must also do as it is written: Matthew 6:14-15 "14. For if you forgive others their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins], your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15. "But if you do not forgive others [nurturing your hurt and anger with the result that it interferes with your relationship with God], then your Father will not forgive your trespasses.
Also in Matthew 18:21-22 "21. Then Peter came to Him [Jesus] and asked, "Lord, how many times will my brother sin against me and I forgive him and let it go? Up to seven times?" 22. Jesus answered him, "I say to you, not up to seven times, but seventy times seven."

Forgiveness is so important for peace, for the transgressor but mostly for you who forgive. What forgiveness also allow, is for the healing process to start. Please note, forgiveness is not saying that what was done is right, it does not deny the fact that you have been hurt and that you are accepting the injustice, nor does it establish a relationship. To be quite fair, forgiveness is probably the most difficult thing that God is asking from us and can be best described in this article: The most difficult thing God is asking you to do - Forgive

To the one whose trust I have broken, the one who is wondering how does one pick up all the broken pieces when the hurt is so severe, so deep...my beautiful wife, to say sorry for what I have done seems so insignificant. I am here to ask for your forgiveness and for you to free yourself from the grips of the evil one. The guilt of what I have done nearly destroyed me and our family and I had to confess and repent to God and to you. I used my own personal pain and experience from my past as well as my own "wickedness" to fall trap to temptation.

I'm not just here to beg for your forgiveness, but to say this: I can't change the past, nor can I wipe away the unimaginable pain that I have caused, but I can promise you that I am a changed man. I have realized that I was looking to you to fill a void in my heart that no one can fill except God himself. I was dependent on you for my own happiness and was constantly looking to validate my own self-worth from you. I promise to love you, as near as humanly possible, as God loves us and demands in Ephesians 5:25. I also, for the first time in my life, understand what love really is and that it is not self serving, the type of love Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 13 (that was recited at our wedding day) I promise to really hear you and to really see you, to give you space when you need it, to allow you to be vulnerable, to be strong for you when you can't, to make you feel safe, to help you conquer mountains should you need it, to make you feel truly adored, cherished and most of all, to feel that you are loved unconditionally. I further promise to set God as the head of our household, to read the infallible Word of God together, to pray together and to take communion together as a family. I will not do this in my own strength, but by the power of the Holy Spirit that lives in us and by the never ending grace of God Elohim.

I do not expect anything other at this point in time than a commitment to the marriage and to rebuilding the "broken walls". Things will never be the same again, they will be better. Our relationship flame will burn high and bright and I believe that we will use our experience to minister to other couples that may go through a similar thing. I believe that we will have the marriage that God hopes for so that when people look at us and our family, that they can see and experience God's grace and His favor. I now speak life into our marriage and our relationship and the blessings of Jehovah-Jireh and seal it by the precious Blood of the Lamb. In Jesus' Name. Amen

Prayer:
Abba Father, who are in Heaven, praise and glory be to Your Name. Thank you for being my rock and shining the light on my sin. I have given the devil all the evidence he needs to forms a case against me. I come to you as an accused and ask that You would forgive my sins and wash me clean as Jesus has already died for my sins. The devil now has no unsettled claim against me and I ask that you annul his claim. I ask that I will forgive as You have forgiven me. I also ask that those whom I have sinned against, will have a soft heart and will forgive me also for what I have done. I pray this in Jesus' Name. Amen

In a world gripped by sin!

In a World Gripped by Sin

Sin, most likely the word that makes all of us cringe a little or quite possibly offended by its use. What do I mean when I say that? You see, we would like to do the things we want and more often than not, we really don't like it when anyone tell us that what we are busy doing, is in actual fact wrong. The world we live in has even changed many of its laws to not "cause offense" to many minority groups. Here I can think of two major laws that have changed dramatically in the last two decades or so: abortion and marriage laws.

What is wrong and by whose standard? I'm glad you asked, let me give you my perspective. I am a Christian and I believe in the Triunity of God meaning God the Father, God the Son and The Holy Spirit. I believe the Bible as the infallible Word of God, written by humans, inspired and authored by The Holy Spirit. The summary of my faith is what is known as the Apostle's Creed which is the oldest Christian statement of faith. This then means that I use The Bible as the absolute Truth and thus God's standard for what is considered sin.

Important to note: My faith was not always as strong as it is now and so far, the best personal change to come out of my confession to sin. I have been "practicing" religion for a long time, seeing that I come from a Christian home. I went to Sunday School and mum would go to church often and dad would come along too most times. What I experienced after my confession, was not "religion", but a faithful God who was there to pick me up and mend my broken heart. I have since submerged myself into the Bible and Prayer, all to grow in a relationship with the Father, His Son and The Holy Spirit, something I have never done before. This is what the Bible calls, putting on the Full Armour of God, Ephesians 6:10-17, equipping me to 1. Submit myself to God, 2. To resist the devil, so that 3. the devil will flee from me (James 4:7)

Let me move to the topic of my own personal sin. When I confessed to my wife and my world came crashing down, I experienced something I have never experienced before: introspection. Whenever I would treat my wife badly or we would fight, I would always have a reason, a justification for why I acted or reacted in a certain way. This time, I had a very clear perspective of all my own actions and sin, that contributed to our failing relationship. The only explanation I have for this is here in:

 Ephesians 5:13 

"But all things become visible when they are exposed to light [of God's precepts], for it is light that makes everything visible." [Light here means the Holy Spirit]

What I believe to be the root of all my "Evil": SELFISHNESS. I am convinced that most problems in marriage, and other parts of your life, will have their origin from selfishness, the own me. What I want, what they did and said to me, I'm hurt, I'm offended, what I'm experiencing, self gratification, self pleasure, lust, even jealousy and envy starts with selfishness. Let's take one example which fits right in:"self pleasure" - I would think about sex after seeing or thinking about something (the devils tactic used so effectively; temptation - as mentioned in here) I would then not wait until I got home tonight to have sex with my wife, I would go to a toilet and pleasure myself. The consequence of course is that our sex life grew cold and took intimacy with it. The worst part here is that my wife absolutely loves to have sex and the intimacy is very important to her and I denied it to her by my own selfishness. Just so you take note, not having sex with your spouse leads to more sin, as Paul says in:

 1 Corinthinas7:3-5 

"The husband must fulfill his [marital] duty to his wife [with good will and kindness], and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have [exclusive authority over her own body, but the husband shares with her] and the likewise the husband does not have [exclusive] authority over his body, but the wife shares with him. Do not deprive each other [of marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves [unhindered] to prayer, but come together again so that Satan will not tempt you [to sin] because of your lack of self-control."

Let's take a look at what the Bible says about selfishness and I will only quote a few passages: 

Phillipians 2:3

 "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit [through factional motives, or strife], but with [an attitude of] humility [being neither arrogant nor self-righteous], regard others as more important than yourselves."

Galatians 5:13

 "For you, my brothers, were called to freedom; only do not let your freedom become an opportunity for the sinful nature (worldliness, selfishness), but through love serve and seek the best for one another."

James 4:3

"You ask [God for something] and do not receive it, because you ask with wrong motives [out of selfishness or with an unrighteous agenda], so that [when you get what you want] you may spend it on your [hedonistic] desires."

If I could give you a word of advice, if you want to have joy, peace and love in your life, you must "die to self" 

Colossians 3:5

 "So put to death and deprive power the evil longings of your earthly body [with its sensual, self-centered instincts] immorality, impurity, sinful passion, evil desire, and greed, which is [a kind of] idolatry [because it replaces your devotion to God]." 

Living only for yourself will have devastating consequences and by doing so, you will rob yourself of a great life God has planned for you.

Prayer

Dear Jehovah-Jireh, thank you for the blessings that I have in my life, thank you for giving me a spirit of power to resist all worldly temptation so that I may not sin against you and those I love. Thank you for the redemption that was offered to me by Jesus dying on the cross. I am now a new creation in Jesus, raised in new life. Please now forgive my sins and transgressions. Fill me with the Holy Spirit and guide me to live the life You have planned for me. Let me think less of my own needs and more of others. In Jesus' Name. Amen

Our World comes crashing down

I have experienced the loss of loved ones before and understand how quick your life can be turned upside down, but I was not prepared for the abrupt change that my confession was about to bring about. (Please read the previous posts by going to the Archive or here and here)

Since it became very clear that I had to confess to my wife what I had done, I had sent her a text in which I said I was writing the email and a separate letter, but did not divulge as to the nature or contents of this letter. This was done so that I could not cop-out of my confession. I completed the email letter wherein I was telling her about all the things I was experiencing in the relationship that contributed to the current state. As mentioned previously, these were things like social media, mobile phone use, personal fitness goals and raising three kids - all contributing factors, but not the root cause. My wife unfortunately did not write her own letter, spelling out exactly what she was experiencing and believing to be the root cause however, she did respond to my letter by commenting on each experience of mine, leaving out her "conclusion" from her response, for the time being anyway.

The Holy Spirit gave me clarity say Monday and we were now at Friday. I started my day, focused on getting the confession all typed up, at first I wasn't sure how I would approach it. So I started telling her about the early years and where I believe things started and I would like to take the time and to briefly describe where it all began for me, as this is the key to understanding why I was plagued (and potentially you too) by the question of sexuality.

My cousin lived a few houses down the street from us and when I was about seven or eight years old, I went over for a visit one morning. When I entered his room, he was busy masturbating and that for a child one year younger than I was. I forget exactly what happened there, but I can tell you what happened in the spiritual realm and also what "door" was opened. Whether you believe in it or not, but there are two worlds that exist: the human or natural world and then the unnatural or spiritual world. That day, the spirit of LUST, PERVERSION and ADULTERY went home with me.

After that incident is when I became prone to lust (seeking self pleasure) and perversion (self pleasure i.e masturbation) this led to a form of MOLESTATION a few years later and this is not in the form you would think. As Tiaan Gildenhuys puts it: "Have you ever played: Doctor-Doctor, show me yours and I'll show you mine, come pull on mine and I'll pull on yours?" This is all a form of molestation and where you open up the door to the spiritual realm and ultimately become pray to these spirits. How do we know this? Ever wondered why you were always told the rude jokes or shown the naked images or why you have attracted partners that just doesn't make sense? This could be a sign that you are bound by a certain spirit, as spirit attracts spirit. If you want to find out more about this and be free from these spirits, watch the video below!

It is now Friday after work, my wife has finished her response to my email and I'm heading home. I call her to ask if she would stop at a bottle store to get me some alcohol as I needed "Dutch-courage" to read my confession letter to her. I never got the chance that night as my wife fell asleep before I could read the confession to her. How good is God, because I was a bit intoxicated and I think He intended me to be fully assertive for what was about to happen and of course for my wife who was going to receive terrible news.

Saturday morning and we are headed to a birthday party. The day goes well and I conveniently forget about what still needed to be done, that is until we were driving home. She fell asleep on the way and as I was driving, I decided that I can't tell her. I wanted desperately to take the coward route, but because I was sure it was the Holy Spirit that instructed me to confess, I decided that I would give her the letter if she asks for it. We get home and she takes a nap, I watch TV and just become fearful really. She wakes up and as she enters the kitchen, she asks me:"So, where is this letter of yours?" My heart stopped, completely stopped and possible fell through my bottom...I got up and went to get the letter to read to her when she said she would read it herself if that's okay. I let her know that this letter was a confession and I now did not want to give it to her...she again asked for it.

There she was, on the couch, reading six pages of my deepest, darkest secrets from childhood leading to the confession of my unfaithfulness, not saying anything, not flinching, not a thing. I mustered up the courage to ask her if she was okay to which she just murmured a yes. I wanted the earth to swallow me whole for what felt to be a lifetime while she slowly read my confession. When she finished, she stood up and said:"Thank you for telling me, but I'm not ready to talk about it." She got dressed and left.

That night, my heart broke and I went through every emotion associated with deep grief and I believe that my beautiful wife, wherever she was, was going through a heap more...our world shattered by my sin, my iniquity, my transgressions and my weakness. Why do I use weakness? The Bible says that we have been given the ability to resist temptation and I didn't and I also didn't consult the Book that warns against all the things of life that may possibly face - The Holy Bible

Consider this verse: 1 Corinthians 10:13 " No temptation [regardless of its source] has overtaken or enticed you that is not common to human experience [nor is any temptation  unusual or beyond human resistance]; but God is faithful [to His word - He is compassionate and trustworthy], and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability [to resist], but along with the temptation He [has in the past and is now and] will [always] provide the way out as well, so that you will be able to endure it [without yielding, and will overcome temptation with joy]." Note: God does not tempt you, but does give you trials. The biggest difference between temptation and trial is that temptation often satisfies the "flesh" or is pleasure and trials are often times not associated with anything nice or that feels good.

Also; Mark 14:38 " Keep [actively] watching and praying so that you do not come into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

You are not a "lost case" for God, because you are loved deeply by the creator of the universe. Confess and repent your sins and turn to God beloved, it will be the single biggest and best decision you can ever make and you will save your soul by doing so.

Prayer

Dear Jehovah-Raphi, I come to You with a broken heart and ask that you would heal me. I have fallen victim to the relentless onslaught from the devil and I am now paying the price for my lack of willpower. Satan has lied to me and I was too blind to see it. I ask that You will forgive my sins and transgressions, not because I ask, but because Jesus died on the cross for them. I call upon Your name and ask for the gift of salvation. Fill me with the Holy Spirit to heal my broken heart. I ask that you heal the hearts of those that I too have hurt and ask that You would soften their hearts to also forgive me, although your forgiveness is enough. Help me to repair the "broken walls" of my life and those in it. I pray this in Jesus's Name. Amen

What are you feeding that you should starve?

My wife and I grew apart due to various factors over a few years, but ultimately it was sin (especially selfishness and sexual immorality) that drove a wedge between us and after me cheating, we just drifted apart even further to a point where we just did not recognize each other anymore (it's important to note that she did not know of my unfaithfulness during this time). Read my previous post here

On this faithful day of Monday 27 January 2020, I became painfully aware of how far me and my wife had drifted apart and I was saddened by this as I knew it was me that caused this, or at least most of it. I was determined to do something about it and wasn't quite prepared for the journey I was about to embark on. I thought things like raising three kids, mobile phone use, social media, mood swings, pursuit of fitness goals and just being tired after work that made our relationship lose its spark. I was quick to point out that my wife was doing all these things as it's easier to judge others than to look at yourself.

Driving to work, I listen to a Christian radio station and this morning one of the sermons was about the role of the husband by Derek Prince (https://www.derekprince.com.au/) After listening to this, I had a plan (more like the Holy Spirit gave me a plan), I was going to write an email to my wife explaining all the things I experience in our relationship, every thought and every emotion. I let her know that I was going to do this and asked her to do the same thing as I explained to her that "something" is wrong and we need to work out what it could be.

During the Monday I started to draft the email, but really just figuring out what format I would use to present this very serious topic and thinking about the things I would like to say. During the Tuesday, again listening to Dr. Michael Youssef (LTW.org) the sermon was about "Defeating Temptation" and then the Holy Spirit showed me what my proverbial cancer was and what I had to do to remove it: it was the secret of my unfaithfulness and  that I had to somehow confess to my wife. The very idea of confessing totally freaked me out, I mean how do you even do it:" Oh, by the way wife, remember that time we were at a deep dark place in our relationship? I took the "opportunity" and cheated on you...twice and to top it all off, both times were with a man 😨

What I found quite shocking; was that at that point of thinking about confessing, all the possible consequences came rushing into my head like water in a dried up creek after a summer storm. What I was thinking about now was: will I lose my wife and kids, what would my family and friends say, my work colleagues, my church and everyone else from my past. I don't recall that I intensely thought about the consequences when I considered the unfaithfulness. I now have the answer to why I did not consider these things at the time: for so long I was feeding my sexual immorality, that it became part of me and I was numb to the fact that what I wanted to do was wrong and it says so in the Bible many, many times i.e 

Exodus 20:14 

"You shall not commit adultery."

  Matthew 5:27 

"You have heard that it was said, "You shall not commit adultery" 

Why? 

Proverbs 6:32

"But whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks common sense and sound judgement and an understanding [of moral principles]; He who destroy his soul does it." 

Matthew 15:19

"For out of the heart come evil thoughts and plans, murders, adulteries, sexual immoralities, thefts, false testimonies, slanders (verbal abuse, irreverent speech, blaspheming)."

Therapist and Psychologists all say that there is great power in your thinking and to be fair, they are only figuring this out now after this was identified thousands of years ago: 

Romans 12:2

 "And do not be confirmed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourself] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you]."

You have heard the saying before: "You are what you eat." and by all accounts, the same can be said for what you see, hear and think about. The devil uses two common weapons to attack you: your mind and your eyes. He numbs your mind (in my case it was the notion that it's okay to wonder about my sexuality and sexual immorality) and then "satisfies" your eyes by what you see (in my case it was two guys performing oral sex on a beach). These things replayed in my mind continuously and I filled my heart with it, to a point where I became consumed by it.

A simple question can now be asked: "What are you feeding that you should be starving?" What are the thoughts you have in your head, that you are constantly thinking about and what is their nature: good or bad? Leanne Matthesius nails this very question in the video below. Please watch the video and if you would like jump straight to her message, skip to minute 42.

Prayer

Dear Lord, please show me today what I am feeding that I really should be starving. My mind is under attack, a constant battlefield and I can't do it anymore by myself. Please fill me with the Holy Spirit to give me strength to fight for myself and for my family. I ask for your forgiveness for what I have done that is not righteous in Your eyes. I know that with Your grace and mercy, I will be able to get to the other end stronger and filled with joy. I pray this in the Name of Jesus. Amen

Am I bi-curious?

At first, I did not know the answer to this question or where it came from, I just thought that it just kind of happened. If you guessed that I was wrong, then you would be right. I did not come to the root of my question by myself, by no means at all, I had some help.

Now first a bit about myself, I'm married to a beautiful wife and we have three lovely, and very energetic kids together. We are both professionals with each a bachelors degree and we do okay, I think.

Everything that I have, I put into jeopardy in 2018 by allowing myself to believe a lie. For many years I was plagued by the thought: what would it feel like to have a sexual encounter with a man? This was the year I cheated on my wife, twice. You see, this was the year when that question of mine was very prominent and when I chose to pursue the answer to it. It is very important to take note that I made a conscious decision to explore what was going on in my heart and my mind.

From about 19 years old, potentially earlier, I wondered about that question. I would go through phases where I would not have any thoughts around it, to times where I would be obsessed with it. 

Note: Update 12 October 2020 - Holy Spirit made me have the  following revelation: When you realize what you are doing is wrong and you turn from your ways for a moment (like sexual immorality or addiction) but you do not fill your life with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, the demons that can control you will return with vengeance as it is written in Luke 11:24 - 26 [AMP] ""24.When the unclean spirit comes out of a person, it roams through waterless places in search [of a place] of rest; and not finding any, it says, 'I will go back to my house (person) from which I came. 25.And when it comes, it finds the place swept and put in order. 26.Then it goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they go in [the person] and live there; and the last state of that person becomes worse than the first."" This is potentially why you can go from, as an example over time, a thought of sexual perversion (which opens the door for the unclean spirits, even if it's just cracked open) to being promiscuous or an adulterer. 

I found it odd that I had zero physical or sexual attraction to a man, but the thought of actual sex made me excited. It wasn't until early 2020 that I started to understand why I was plagued by the thoughts of sexual immorality (for me it was a spirit of lust and perversion that entered my life when I was exposed to sexual perversion/molestation). Please take the time to listen to Dr. Michael Youssef around TEMPTATION as this is the best way to describe what happens to you and why you potentially just can't help thinking about it. You see, we are in a constant war between good and evil and how the enemy attacks, is by lying to you, causing fear or doubt. The more men that question their sexuality, the more relationships break down and the more you have families without men, or kids without fathers to help guide and discipline. 

John 10:10 "The thief [read devil] comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I [read Jesus] came that they may have life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows]."

There is a very specific reason why the Bible talks about guarding your heart and renewing your mind constantly. What you spend your time thinking about, will ultimately influence your emotions and your actions and it will fill your heart. 

Matt.15:18 "But whatever [word] comes out of the mouth comes from the heart, and this is what defiles and dishonors the man." 

Now I can talk out of experience here, because although thoughts can be put into your head, I spent a lot of time thinking about sexual immorality and it basically consumed me to the point where my thoughts translated into my actions; pornography/nudity/lust (for me the source was social media and could be for you too) and self pleasure (i.e masturbation). Warning: Pornography and masturbation steals your confidence and devalues your masculinity, because it's so easy to do, that you no longer have the courage to have sex with your own wife. Or you have all these images of what your spouse should look like, that is driven by social media or pornography, that you don't find your spouse attractive any longer.

Today I can sit here and be honest with you, I'm glad that I experienced what I did, but not at all why you would think...let me explain: after my two sexual encounters, I swore that I would go to the grave with the knowledge of what I had done. This secret turned out to be like proverbial cancer and it caused my soul to slowly die and I became depressed which of course affected all my relationships, career and my health. Me, being oblivious as I am, couldn't quite understand why I was feeling this way, but I was soon going to find out. I started to ask the question about why I was feeling the way I was and self diagnosed that I was depressed. I was also determined that I would not go to a Doctor because I did not want to be on any medication, so I bought natural health supplements that promised to help with the symptoms - it didn't. The supplements just got rid of $500 from our bank account. Now I have developed some fear or anxiety, because maybe I really am so far down the rabbit hole...I am depressed and must then need medical intervention. I did not go to a doctor, nor did I stop asking the question of why I was feeling the way I did, thank God Almighty for that, because in my next post, I was going to find out why.

Do yourself a favour and get a copy of John Eldredge's book called Wild at Heart on Audible or Amazon which talks perfectly about your heart and masculinity or visit his website www.wildatheart.org

Prayer

Dear God, I come to you very confused and in desperate need of Your help and guidance. Somewhere and for some reason, my masculinity was questioned by me or by others and I am now seeking that validation. Please show me who I am in Your eyes, the true me, not the person satan would like me to think I am. Jesus died on the cross for my sins and I now ask for that gift of salvation to be mine. Forgive my sins, known or unknown, confessed or unconfessed. Fill me with the Holy Spirit to guide me through this process or rediscovery. I pray this in Jesus' Name. Amen

"What a generation compromise on, the next generation embraces and dies from." - Amy Klutinoty