Since it became very clear that I had to confess to my wife what I had done, I had sent her a text in which I said I was writing the email and a separate letter, but did not divulge as to the nature or contents of this letter. This was done so that I could not cop-out of my confession. I completed the email letter wherein I was telling her about all the things I was experiencing in the relationship that contributed to the current state. As mentioned previously, these were things like social media, mobile phone use, personal fitness goals and raising three kids - all contributing factors, but not the root cause. My wife unfortunately did not write her own letter, spelling out exactly what she was experiencing and believing to be the root cause however, she did respond to my letter by commenting on each experience of mine, leaving out her "conclusion" from her response, for the time being anyway.
The Holy Spirit gave me clarity say Monday and we were now at Friday. I started my day, focused on getting the confession all typed up, at first I wasn't sure how I would approach it. So I started telling her about the early years and where I believe things started and I would like to take the time and to briefly describe where it all began for me, as this is the key to understanding why I was plagued (and potentially you too) by the question of sexuality.
My cousin lived a few houses down the street from us and when I was about seven or eight years old, I went over for a visit one morning. When I entered his room, he was busy masturbating and that for a child one year younger than I was. I forget exactly what happened there, but I can tell you what happened in the spiritual realm and also what "door" was opened. Whether you believe in it or not, but there are two worlds that exist: the human or natural world and then the unnatural or spiritual world. That day, the spirit of LUST, PERVERSION and ADULTERY went home with me.
After that incident is when I became prone to lust (seeking self pleasure) and perversion (self pleasure i.e masturbation) this led to a form of MOLESTATION a few years later and this is not in the form you would think. As Tiaan Gildenhuys puts it: "Have you ever played: Doctor-Doctor, show me yours and I'll show you mine, come pull on mine and I'll pull on yours?" This is all a form of molestation and where you open up the door to the spiritual realm and ultimately become pray to these spirits. How do we know this? Ever wondered why you were always told the rude jokes or shown the naked images or why you have attracted partners that just doesn't make sense? This could be a sign that you are bound by a certain spirit, as spirit attracts spirit. If you want to find out more about this and be free from these spirits, watch the video below!
It is now Friday after work, my wife has finished her response to my email and I'm heading home. I call her to ask if she would stop at a bottle store to get me some alcohol as I needed "Dutch-courage" to read my confession letter to her. I never got the chance that night as my wife fell asleep before I could read the confession to her. How good is God, because I was a bit intoxicated and I think He intended me to be fully assertive for what was about to happen and of course for my wife who was going to receive terrible news.
Saturday morning and we are headed to a birthday party. The day goes well and I conveniently forget about what still needed to be done, that is until we were driving home. She fell asleep on the way and as I was driving, I decided that I can't tell her. I wanted desperately to take the coward route, but because I was sure it was the Holy Spirit that instructed me to confess, I decided that I would give her the letter if she asks for it. We get home and she takes a nap, I watch TV and just become fearful really. She wakes up and as she enters the kitchen, she asks me:"So, where is this letter of yours?" My heart stopped, completely stopped and possible fell through my bottom...I got up and went to get the letter to read to her when she said she would read it herself if that's okay. I let her know that this letter was a confession and I now did not want to give it to her...she again asked for it.
There she was, on the couch, reading six pages of my deepest, darkest secrets from childhood leading to the confession of my unfaithfulness, not saying anything, not flinching, not a thing. I mustered up the courage to ask her if she was okay to which she just murmured a yes. I wanted the earth to swallow me whole for what felt to be a lifetime while she slowly read my confession. When she finished, she stood up and said:"Thank you for telling me, but I'm not ready to talk about it." She got dressed and left.
That night, my heart broke and I went through every emotion associated with deep grief and I believe that my beautiful wife, wherever she was, was going through a heap more...our world shattered by my sin, my iniquity, my transgressions and my weakness. Why do I use weakness? The Bible says that we have been given the ability to resist temptation and I didn't and I also didn't consult the Book that warns against all the things of life that may possibly face - The Holy Bible
Consider this verse: 1 Corinthians 10:13 " No temptation [regardless of its source] has overtaken or enticed you that is not common to human experience [nor is any temptation unusual or beyond human resistance]; but God is faithful [to His word - He is compassionate and trustworthy], and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability [to resist], but along with the temptation He [has in the past and is now and] will [always] provide the way out as well, so that you will be able to endure it [without yielding, and will overcome temptation with joy]." Note: God does not tempt you, but does give you trials. The biggest difference between temptation and trial is that temptation often satisfies the "flesh" or is pleasure and trials are often times not associated with anything nice or that feels good.
Also; Mark 14:38 " Keep [actively] watching and praying so that you do not come into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
You are not a "lost case" for God, because you are loved deeply by the creator of the universe. Confess and repent your sins and turn to God beloved, it will be the single biggest and best decision you can ever make and you will save your soul by doing so.
Prayer
Dear Jehovah-Raphi, I come to You with a broken heart and ask that you would heal me. I have fallen victim to the relentless onslaught from the devil and I am now paying the price for my lack of willpower. Satan has lied to me and I was too blind to see it. I ask that You will forgive my sins and transgressions, not because I ask, but because Jesus died on the cross for them. I call upon Your name and ask for the gift of salvation. Fill me with the Holy Spirit to heal my broken heart. I ask that you heal the hearts of those that I too have hurt and ask that You would soften their hearts to also forgive me, although your forgiveness is enough. Help me to repair the "broken walls" of my life and those in it. I pray this in Jesus's Name. Amen
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