My wife and I grew apart due to various factors over a few years, but ultimately it was sin (especially selfishness and sexual immorality) that drove a wedge between us and after me cheating, we just drifted apart even further to a point where we just did not recognize each other anymore (it's important to note that she did not know of my unfaithfulness during this time). Read my previous post here
On this faithful day of Monday 27 January 2020, I became painfully aware of how far me and my wife had drifted apart and I was saddened by this as I knew it was me that caused this, or at least most of it. I was determined to do something about it and wasn't quite prepared for the journey I was about to embark on. I thought things like raising three kids, mobile phone use, social media, mood swings, pursuit of fitness goals and just being tired after work that made our relationship lose its spark. I was quick to point out that my wife was doing all these things as it's easier to judge others than to look at yourself.
Driving to work, I listen to a Christian radio station and this morning one of the sermons was about the role of the husband by Derek Prince (https://www.derekprince.com.au/) After listening to this, I had a plan (more like the Holy Spirit gave me a plan), I was going to write an email to my wife explaining all the things I experience in our relationship, every thought and every emotion. I let her know that I was going to do this and asked her to do the same thing as I explained to her that "something" is wrong and we need to work out what it could be.
During the Monday I started to draft the email, but really just figuring out what format I would use to present this very serious topic and thinking about the things I would like to say. During the Tuesday, again listening to Dr. Michael Youssef (LTW.org) the sermon was about "Defeating Temptation" and then the Holy Spirit showed me what my proverbial cancer was and what I had to do to remove it: it was the secret of my unfaithfulness and that I had to somehow confess to my wife. The very idea of confessing totally freaked me out, I mean how do you even do it:" Oh, by the way wife, remember that time we were at a deep dark place in our relationship? I took the "opportunity" and cheated on you...twice and to top it all off, both times were with a man 😨
What I found quite shocking; was that at that point of thinking about confessing, all the possible consequences came rushing into my head like water in a dried up creek after a summer storm. What I was thinking about now was: will I lose my wife and kids, what would my family and friends say, my work colleagues, my church and everyone else from my past. I don't recall that I intensely thought about the consequences when I considered the unfaithfulness. I now have the answer to why I did not consider these things at the time: for so long I was feeding my sexual immorality, that it became part of me and I was numb to the fact that what I wanted to do was wrong and it says so in the Bible many, many times i.e
"You shall not commit adultery."
"You have heard that it was said, "You shall not commit adultery"
Why?
"But whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks common sense and sound judgement and an understanding [of moral principles]; He who destroy his soul does it."
"For out of the heart come evil thoughts and plans, murders, adulteries, sexual immoralities, thefts, false testimonies, slanders (verbal abuse, irreverent speech, blaspheming)."
Therapist and Psychologists all say that there is great power in your thinking and to be fair, they are only figuring this out now after this was identified thousands of years ago:
"And do not be confirmed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourself] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you]."
You have heard the saying before: "You are what you eat." and by all accounts, the same can be said for what you see, hear and think about. The devil uses two common weapons to attack you: your mind and your eyes. He numbs your mind (in my case it was the notion that it's okay to wonder about my sexuality and sexual immorality) and then "satisfies" your eyes by what you see (in my case it was two guys performing oral sex on a beach). These things replayed in my mind continuously and I filled my heart with it, to a point where I became consumed by it.
A simple question can now be asked: "What are you feeding that you should be starving?" What are the thoughts you have in your head, that you are constantly thinking about and what is their nature: good or bad? Leanne Matthesius nails this very question in the video below. Please watch the video and if you would like jump straight to her message, skip to minute 42.
Prayer
Dear Lord, please show me today what I am feeding that I really should be starving. My mind is under attack, a constant battlefield and I can't do it anymore by myself. Please fill me with the Holy Spirit to give me strength to fight for myself and for my family. I ask for your forgiveness for what I have done that is not righteous in Your eyes. I know that with Your grace and mercy, I will be able to get to the other end stronger and filled with joy. I pray this in the Name of Jesus. Amen
No comments:
Post a Comment